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This a transcript from Saturday, November 25th LIVE game, Stump the Stand Up.

KEYWORD: JOKES

A presentation of ABC On line.


Question  My in-laws gave me a check instead of a gift for Christmas. What
should I buy with it?
Eddie Brill--A divorce lawyer.

Question  So, who is the comic performing tonight?
ComedyNite--Eddie Brill, Liz Winstead, Todd Barry, Mark Cohen and more.

Question  What do you call a pollock with a $500 hat?
LizWinstead--Garth Brooks

Question  why was the tomato blushing?
Eddie Brill--it saw the Russian dressing.

Question  What is black and white and "red" all over?
Mark Cohen--Newspaper

Question  what do you get when you cross a gorilla with a computer?
Liz Winstead--Bill Gates

Question  What is the worst joke you've ever told???
Eddie Brill--The horse walks into a bar and the bartender says. "Why the long
face?"

Question  Eddie do you still do 30 minutes on the TV Show Rudolph
Eddie Brill--It has been a very long time since I have...It is actually an 8
minute bit.  I think that is great that you remember.

Question  TheTeeeez~~~~Is it really a federal offense to remove that tag that
is on your mattress?
Mark Cohen--No, it is a federal offense to remove the mattress from the tag.

Question  What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Eddie Brill--Russell

Question  So why doesn't Bill Clinton go to square dances?
Liz Winstead--You only get 8 partners...He wants more

Question  who is the funniest women working  right now
Eddie Brill-- Liz Winstead, and I would say that even if she was not here!

Question  Are you related to Debbie Brill, Canadian high jumper?
Eddie Brill-- No, I am related to Norman Brill the wholesaler.

Question  what is Victoria's secret?
Liz Winstead-- She killed Andy Gibb

Question  I'm a secretary at my mother in laws half way house. should i quit
or keep this job.
Mark Cohen-- Quit, get the heck out of there

Question  I'm not Jewish, but am in therapy... is this enough to get into
comedy??
Liz Winstead --You can work in Brooklyn

Question  Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?
Eddie Brill-- Cause he was fetching.

Question  What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Liz Winstead-- George Bush eats his boogers

Question  How do you access the OJ Simpson area on the Internet?
ComedyNite--Slash back slash

Question  Is Alanis Morrisette a talented performer or just a loud, skanky
wench with bad manners?
Eddie Brill-- Compared to who.

Question  Who is O.J. SIMPSON'S NEW SPONCER?
Liz Winstead-- Slice

Question  What's the longest, hardest thing on a comedian?
Mark Cohen --3rd Grade

Question  What did dan quayle say when he was asked to spell Mississippi?
Liz Winstead --No new taxes

Question  What do you get when you cross a lab rat with a lawyer?
Andy Engel-- Johnny Cochran

Question  Why isn't Santa bringing presents this year?
Todd Barry-- He is a JEW

Question  I got pulled over for DUI. My lawyer said its going to cost me.
What should I do?
Todd Barry --AAOL

Question  How do you get a one armed polock off a telephone pole?
Andy Engel-- Wave

Question  How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? and why?
Liz Winstead-- 100...ONE to screw it in and the other 99 are trying to screw the waitress

Question  What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and the Cleveland
Indians???
Andy Engel-- Thatcher has a better record.

Question  Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors?
Liz Winstead-- If it had four it would be a sedan

Question  What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
Andy Engel-- You gonna eat that?

Question  which are cheaper, snow balls or reindeer balls?
Liz Winstead--I am not sure how much snow balls are but, reindeer balls are under a buck.

Question  dO YOU Know who O.J. Simpson's new sponcer is?
Liz Winstead --SLICE

Question  Finish this one: A man walks into the doctors office with a duck on
his back. The doctor
Question  say, "how can i help you?" ................>
Liz Winstead --I hope your not a quack

Question  What do you get when you cross a chicken and a centipede?
Todd Barry --an animal that crosses the road quickly.

Question  Why are all blonde jokes one liners?
Andy Engel--So they can understand them.

Question  Are you attracted to the opposite or do they try to avoid you?
Liz Winstead --Yes...

Question  US DirectR - What would a woman have if she could carry a water
mellon without holding it Question  in her hands?
Liz Winstead-- Shopping cart

Question  what city is the best to find the hottest talents???
Liz Winstead-- Wichita

Question  what is the difference between a deaddog on the road and a dead
lawyer on     the road
Mark Cohen --People care about the dead dog

Question  why did gomer pyle like the sarge?
Todd Barry-- Rock Hudson was busy

Question  Will you be touring L.A.?
ComedyNite--MARK COHEN---will be at the IMPROV soon.

Question  What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Liz Winstead --A Women with PMS is offended by this joke

Question  What's the last thing that went through Kurt Cobain's mind?
Liz Winstead-- A BULLET
Mark Cohen-- or the thought...THank god I am rid of my wife.

Question  Are Tim Allen and Jeff Foxworthy really from hell???
Liz Winstead --I think Jeff is from Atlanta

Question  why did the blond arrrive at her yearly physical appointment
exhausted?
Eddie Brill-- She was up all night studying

Question  What's the motto of O.J.'s limo company?
And Engel --WE will get you there with time to kill

Question  What's funnier than a barrel of monkeys
Mark Cohen-- Liz Winstead

Question  why are eleven lords-a-leaping?
Andy Engel-- Cause the floor was hot...

Question  How many spikes are in the mohawk of Lars FrederIsken of Rancid
Todd Barry --I don't know, but there are two bob's and an earl

Question  How can you tell if you have a blond as a secretary?
Andy Engel-- White out on the screen.

Question  Who's the bigger Disney babe:  Pocahontas, Belle, or the Little
Mermaid?
Liz Winstead --I am going to vote for POWDER

Question  What do Kurt Cobain's brain and his last album have in common?
Mark Cohen-- Number one with a bullet

Question  What do you call St. Nick with a desire for S&M?
Mark Cohen-- Santa CLAWS

Question  How can you tell if a family in West VA is wealthy?
Liz Winstead --The car up on blocks is a Caddy

Question  Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Andy Engel-- they taste funny

Question  What's Newt Gingrech best quality?
Mark Cohen --For a fat guy he doesn't sweat much.

Question  What's the best way to handle a dog that's humping your leg??
Liz Winstead-- relax and take it....may be buy it dinner...who knows

Question  WHY DID THE BLONDE CLIMB OVER THE CLEAR GLASS WALL
Andy Engel-- to see what was on the other side

Question  How many MBA's does it take to change a light bulb?
Todd Barry-- a whole lot

Question  what did the chicken cross da playground?
Eddie Brill-- to get to michael jackson

Question  how do you make a nun have sex
Mark Cohen-- dress her up like and altar boy

Question  What do a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in common ?
Liz Winstead --other than someone losing a trailer...not much

Question  What is the difference between Michael Bolten and Milton Burle?
Liz Winstead-- Milton Berle is interesting

Question  What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
Liz Winstead-- an a%% that makes your eyes water

Question  whos cooler ...bill gates or madonna, and why?
Liz Winstead --Madonna...
Todd Barry-- she dances naked infront of her windows 95

Question  Will you marry me?  I am Bob Tard
Liz Winstead-- RE tard....sure

Question  Why don't golfers use socks when they golf?
Todd Barry --cause socks is the presidents cat

Question  what do get when you put 4 blondes ear to ear
Eddie Brill-- wind tunnel

Question  how do you catch a polar bear
Mark Cohen --with  igloo

Question  Do you know the $ per hour we're paying to here you give bad
responses?
Todd Barry-- we are getting PAID to give bad responses....so who is really the
loser....

Question  So LIZ... how's life on the road? ..or do you have a room?
Liz Winstead-- I have no response to that other than............never mind

Question  What did Courtney Love say when she found out Kurt Cobain was dead?
Mark Cohen-- Who's gonna write my songs now

Question  I'm going to commit suicide based on your lack of humor, what will
make me all better???
Todd Barry -- Don't let us stop you.  By all means, don't let us stop you.

Question  have u met leno or letterman?
Todd Barry-- All three

Question  There are a pair of twins, but they are not alike.  Why?
Liz Winstead-- You are looking for the Brain Teaser forum.

Question  Why can't dracula get a date?
Todd Barry-- Cause he is not REAL.

Question  wHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH  HALF A BRAIN?
Todd Barry--  What is your screen name?  Oh, I see JPCrock7

Question  Why is chelsea clinton so ugly?
Liz Winstead-- cause that is the only thing you can think of...SHE is in her teens
she'll be a babe one day....get over it

Question  How far would you go to get your own network sit-com?
Todd Barry--I have one...I'm Sienfeld

Question  How do you drown a blonde?
Liz' Friend who bought us cigarettes--Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool...Put the lame joke book
down.

Question  What is that THING making its hideous appearence to the world of
life on Robert DeNiro's face?
Todd Barry-- Bob Dole

Question  What's 3 inches long and has suspenders?
Todd Barry --Todd Barry's grandmommy

Question  What's the best NASA disaster joke you've heard??
Todd Barry-- Apollo 13

Question  What's S&M?
Liz Winstead-- Green Stamps.

ComedyNiteThanks to all the comics, Liz Winstead, Todd Barry, Eddie Brill, Mark Cohen and Andy for hanging out.  We do this every Saturday Night at midnight ET...If you like this try your hand at our 45 MINUTE AMATEUR HOUR every Wednesday night at 10 ET here in the Cyberplex.

BY BY FOR NOW!




C 1995 CapCities/ABC